Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Doubting Thomases

For a lot of years, probably most of my life, if I felt the need to diet, and made an effort to cut back on calories, there was always someone there to bring me down. Someone was always looking over my shoulder, or from across the table, letting me have their full opinion about my efforts. "Why are you bothering to eat a salad? You're just going to have cookies later!" "Go ahead and enjoy a good dinner! This diet of your will be in the history books by the end of the week anyway!"

I think, looking back, it was those opinions regarding my lack of will power and strength that somehow sabotaged me. The feelings of weakness, and an inability to control myself were reinforced over and over. It took years and years to get past that. (It took up until about 4 1/2 months ago, actually.)

When I started counting calories this time, I had found my strength. No more sabotage. No more weakness. No more listening to anyone's opinion about what they thought would be another futile attempt at weight loss.

Within the first 2 weeks of counting calories, I went with Bunna and some friends out to breakfast. Everyone ordered large breakfasts including sausage, bacon, fried potatoes and syrupy pancakes. I, on the other hand, ordered a two egg "omelet" with nothing in it. Basically, just scrambled eggs, folded. I also had one pancake, but only because the meal came with it. I ate it with no butter or syrup. And it was satisfying.

But the looks and comments I got were like a blast from the past. I saw the smirks on their faces that basically came across like, "Really? That's it? You think that's going to help you lose weight? Gee, I wonder how long this will last..."

So it continues. Yes, I think I am mentally beyond being affected by the comments, but I find myself sometimes falling back into the mindset of that chubby, little 10 year old who was teased.

These days, if I'm eating with a group of others, and something is served that is "bad" for me, I will probably have some anyway, like that pancake at breakfast with friends. Not to excess, and not to sabotage myself. But because in the back of my mind, I have a feeling that if I don't at least have a bite, there will be someone looking at me with a disappointed face, saying, "You're not REALLY trying this DIET thing again, are you?" In order to avoid a situation where I have to defend myself, I just have a bite and act like I'm not dieting. I totally regret it, but I do it anyway, just so I don't have to see the doubting, isn't she pathetic, look on their faces.

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