This is it. I'm freakin' out. I knew this day would eventually come, but I didn't know how emotional I'd be. It could have been a simple conversation, but it turned into me bawling my eyes out.
This morning, I weighed. Then Bunna came downstairs and weighed. I looked over his shoulder, and it weighed, to the tenth, the same as I weighed.
So, now, I realize why, over the past couple weeks, my scale has been lying to me. The numbers have been up and down and erratic. We know that my scale has a memory, and that it holds that memory for up to 24 hours. Anyone weighing themselves more often than once a day is going to get the same reading each time, whether it's morning or evening. But he and I weigh the same now. So close, that the scale thinks we are the same person.
So here's the kicker. In order to explain to Bunna what's going on with the scale, I had to admit to him my original starting weight. That was awful; embarrassing, humiliating, scary.
I started by saying, "We weigh the same now, and the scale thinks we're the same person." At this point, I could have just waited for him to do the math. But I continued, trying to purge myself of all the guilt.
Then slowly and carefully, I mouthed the words, and I heard myself say, "Bunna, 74 lbs ago, I weighed 256 lbs."
He just stared at me, and tried to change the subject. I think he was in shock. Then I just lost it. Tears, apologies, and a wretched guilt.
I knew at some point I was going to have to fess up, and spill my guts to him. But he's not always real good at reading my emotions, so it's been difficult for me to get to the point where I can talk to him about this without feeling like he's sweeping it under the rug.
This is a huge step for me. Telling him, and admitting in this blog the truth. I never thought I'd be able to do it. There are a lot of people reading this that I might not be comfortable telling face to face.
But for crying out loud! It's just a number, right? True, it represents years of self-abuse, and disregard for my health. I'm not proud of those things. For years, I've felt like the lazy one, but in fact, I think it's been much more of an emotional eating disorder. I'm still working through it all.
But anyway, it is just a number. And it's in the past. And like every other little misstep in my life, we get past it and get over it, and live for today. I won't ever see that weight again, so I can just talk about it here, and then forget it. From now on, I will speak in current numbers. I am going to use my current weight, and not my "weight lost" when I talk about progress.
OMG. Am I really going to post this? Here I go!