Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Emotional Milestone

This is it. I'm freakin' out. I knew this day would eventually come, but I didn't know how emotional I'd be. It could have been a simple conversation, but it turned into me bawling my eyes out.
This morning, I weighed. Then Bunna came downstairs and weighed. I looked over his shoulder, and it weighed, to the tenth, the same as I weighed.
So, now, I realize why, over the past couple weeks, my scale has been lying to me. The numbers have been up and down and erratic. We know that my scale has a memory, and that it holds that memory for up to 24 hours. Anyone weighing themselves more often than once a day is going to get the same reading each time, whether it's morning or evening. But he and I weigh the same now. So close, that the scale thinks we are the same person.
So here's the kicker. In order to explain to Bunna what's going on with the scale, I had to admit to him my original starting weight. That was awful; embarrassing, humiliating, scary.
I started by saying, "We weigh the same now, and the scale thinks we're the same person." At this point, I could have just waited for him to do the math. But I continued, trying to purge myself of all the guilt.
Then slowly and carefully, I mouthed the words, and I heard myself say, "Bunna, 74 lbs ago, I weighed 256 lbs."
He just stared at me, and tried to change the subject. I think he was in shock. Then I just lost it. Tears, apologies, and a wretched guilt.
I knew at some point I was going to have to fess up, and spill my guts to him. But he's not always real good at reading my emotions, so it's been difficult for me to get to the point where I can talk to him about this without feeling like he's sweeping it under the rug.
This is a huge step for me. Telling him, and admitting in this blog the truth. I never thought I'd be able to do it. There are a lot of people reading this that I might not be comfortable telling face to face.
But for crying out loud! It's just a number, right? True, it represents years of self-abuse, and disregard for my health. I'm not proud of those things. For years, I've felt like the lazy one, but in fact, I think it's been much more of an emotional eating disorder. I'm still working through it all.
But anyway, it is just a number. And it's in the past. And like every other little misstep in my life, we get past it and get over it, and live for today. I won't ever see that weight again, so I can just talk about it here, and then forget it. From now on, I will speak in current numbers. I am going to use my current weight, and not my "weight lost" when I talk about progress.
OMG. Am I really going to post this? Here I go!


  1. yep. you're going to post this. Having not really gone through this with anyone before, I have to assume that this is one of the steps. coming clean. there. you came clean. I think no less of you today than I did yesterday, in fact...i think I'm more proud of you. You aren't ever going back. You are moving on and the pfoof is in this posting. Keep it up baby sister. You are doing great, and going to be just fine. XO

  2. Thanks, Sis. xoxo. I do think this is a step. Just like greiving has its steps, admitting the worst about yourself has got to be a step in the process of regaining a good mental health, and emotional health. Plus, I'm not the type of person that can keep anything in. I am an open book. I share everything that's on my mind, always. So this has been hard for me, keeping information to myself. But it was harder still to admit this stuff.
    But it's out there now. And I can relax, and move on! :-)

  3. Oh, I too, am so proud of you. I know how hard it is and you've got me crying "proud-of-you" tears right now. You are NEVER going back. Now I'm certain of it. Good for you....really. Good for you!

  4. Admitting and confessing is such a relief for the soul (says a non-Catholic!) We tend to hang on to the extra-baggage when we keep things in that we know we should say or change. I'm proud of you, Mary B!